This past week I needed a root canal for a tooth that has been hurting.  Fortunately it wasn't a really painful tooth ache, but around the sixth day, I decided I definitely couldn't live with a sore mouth anymore.  My dentist is terrific and he even took time to explain to me how there are three roots from the tooth and he had to go in and clean them out and close them off.  I still have to go back two more times for a permanent filling and then the crown.  It was really just a small thing, but as I recovered I got to thinking about God's work in my life over the years.

Last week Jen posted Psalm 139 which is one of my favorites.  This psalm, which speaks so beautifully of God knitting us together and knowing us intimately, ends with a prayer, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  I have found the thoughts in this prayer to be essential to my living a life that is full of joy and peace.  I have to let God look into my life and show me things that need some fixing or cleaning.  I would rather not go through this painful process, but He is a gentle "surgeon", cutting away the bad and allowing me to grow and thrive.

It would be so much easier -so it seems- to just cover up these areas and not submit to God's healing process.  Hebrews 12:11 speaks of this when it says, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."  You may have heard the saying, "God loves us just the way we are, but He loves us too much to let us stay that way."  We are not alone when we say "ouch!" and wonder why God seems like He is not letting up on teaching us another lesson!  Everyone who has come to Him as Savior and Master has moments of saying, "Lord, could you give me a little break and let things be easy for awhile?!"

Even Jesus, during His time on earth, learned through his experiences.  He was the perfect Son of God, and yet Hebrews 5:8 says, "Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered."  If Jesus could learn valuable lessons during His stay on earth, how much more do I need to learn during my journey everyday?

Sometimes my painful lessons come because of my own stubbornness and sin.  Other times they come because of the sin and selfishness of others.  Most frequently they come because of living in this "crappy, broken world" (so my daughter, Christy, calls it!).   In whatever way God's careful discipline comes into my life, it works best when I relax and let Him have His way.  It's amazing how this changes my perspective and allows me to say "You know best, God.  I don't like this, but more than anything, I want You to have Your way in my life.

My tooth, and the whole side of my mouth are feeling so much better!  I will still be back in that dentist chair again next month, trying to be a good patient!  As the hygenist hands the dentist the tools to finish the dental work, I plan to do another personal inventory with God.  Am I submitting to His plan for my life and letting Him remove what He needs to so I can bear lots of good fruit and serve well where He has placed me? 

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith - which is of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 
II Peter 1:6,7

Joy

This moment...

I am sitting at my laptop this very moment.

This very moment happens to be the time that November 17, 2010 turns into November 18, 2010. It is midnight. Sleep is not in my immediate future. I don't want it. I don't need it...yet. I am running on "mommy fuel." Why?

Well, also at this very moment, to my right, is a little boy very sick with stomach flu.

This very moment, up in my bed, is a little girl who fell asleep watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

The past two years I have gone back and forth with having a desire for more children and not having a desire for more children. At this moment (smile) I am thankful that there are only two.

I am not sure how I could care for my sick little boy (who is finally sleeping peacefully) and my worried, embarrassed, nervous little girl who needs to be away from her brother, but close enough to make sure he is okay.

Even though I hate when my children are sick, for some reason these are the moments I feel more like a mommy than any other.

Not exactly what I planned on sharing with all of you this early Thursday morning, but these are mommy and me moments non-the-less. I get so much more cuddle time, and more one on one time when they are sick. Again, I am not glad I am getting these “extras” this way, but I am reminded to be thankful for them. When my children are sick I am reminded of how fast time goes and how un-important the small things are. I hate that sometimes it takes sickness to do that.

I am looking at this little fevered face praying for it and loving it so much more than I did yesterday. I check on my beautiful, tenderhearted girl and am amazed by her. Wow, am I blessed!

I look over at my husband asleep on the recliner. I am extra thankful for him today. He offered to make dinner (and did it!), cleaned up the kitchen, bathed Brenna, and has clean up detail when Ethan…well, you know. He did all of these things so that Ethan has his mommy at his side.

I am thankful for Jodi who has volunteered to work for me later on today so that I didn’t have to leave my son.

Boys in Carts

Yesterday we went grocery shopping. There are many reasons I do not like grocery shopping, but probably the main reason is my "Toothless Wonder." He wiggles and wobbles. He drops the toys, the food, the drink out of the cart. He shimmies right out of the belt no matter how much I tighten it. He pulls his sister's hair and shouts for attention. His presence makes grocery shopping hard!

So my question on this Tuesday. . .

How do you keep your children and yourself happy while grocery shopping?

I feel the need to add that I do remove the items pitched from the cart from his possession only to then encourage the shimmying! It seems that each consequence I apply creates a new problem. Ideas please.

Big Enough

So today's the first day. The first day of my husband being officially and undeniably unemployed. As in, no 9 to 5, no pay day every other Friday, no company picnic. Yep, that's unemployed with a capital "U." Unemployed when the unemployment rate is 10%, its getting harder and harder to find a job, and former CEOs are flipping hamburgers. (Okay maybe it's not that bad. The CEOs probably get to work the counter.)

But you get my point.

For some reason, God in all of His wisdom has decided that this is a good time for our family to embark on a major life transition, to move from here to there, to step out in faith. And really it's not so bad, right? I mean change is good, especially when you got the whole world in front of you, nothing holding you back, and a whole lot of dreams to live on. Carpe diem etc. etc. etc.

But the truth is I'm a mom and being a mom changes everything.

The good becomes better, the bad becomes worse, and, as in this case, the uncertain becomes terrifying. Being a mom means not only carrying my own fears and worries about the future, but protecting my three little ones from theirs. Being a mom means explaining why we have to move and why daddy "works" in the basement now.

So not surprisingly, there've been a lot of times I find myself struggling with fear and worry and disbelief. Not so much for myself, but for my kids. I mean, sure, I believe God is big enough to take care of me, but is He big enough to take care of them?

What I could really use right now is a God who understands how hard it is to care for children in the "in between" times. What I could really use right now is a God who knows that I feel lost and don't know which way to go. What I could really use right now is a God big enough to take care of a mommy and the little ones who are looking up to her.

Maybe a God something like this:

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that are with young." (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

Yeah. A God like that. That would work nicely.

~Guest blogger…Hannah Anderson. Hannah is a wife, and a stay-at-home mom of three children. She is also a friend to many in our MOPS group!

Low Fuel

The past few weeks, it seems like I am running on low grade fuel. Low, low, low. You know the cheap kind that we put in our cars? Not the 93, the 87. That’s what seems to be in me, 87. I am running, I’m getting by, but not as I would like to.

I am discouraged a little with life right now. I don’t really like being this way, let alone admit it. I have gotten behind with things and have been disappointed with others. I have been dealt cards that I have never expected to ever see in my hand.

I have dust in my house older than my youngest child. (I would rather not mention that age at this time.) In fact, I have dust in my house older than my oldest child! My laundry is piled up so high that it is probably taller than my oldest child, my youngest has proven that he can hide in it and not be seen, so it’s already conquered him!

I cannot meet the standards I have set for myself as far as my mothering, or housekeeping. Nor can I as a friend, daughter, wife, aunt or sister. Of course my own personal goals for Jen, just Jen, are far out of reach. It really feels like someone hit fast forward and I can do nothing to stop it!

At the same time, I keep fooling myself with this statement. “You are fine Jen, you can handle it all.” And my favorite, “ This too shall pass!” Funny, huh?! It seems when our lives are the craziest that is when we think we are strong enough to handle it. I know better. I know that I am NOT. I also know now (trust me it’s a fight every time I have this conversation with myself – cause I do have to have if often!) that it’s perfectly okay to admit it!

My body is weary, my mind is weary and my soul is weary. A weary mommy leads to a weary, well everybody else, within a 3 mile radius!

To fix my weary body, dusty house, and to find my child in the laundry, I swallowed my pride and asked my mother-in-law to come and help me catch up this week and to also do some fall cleaning. (My fall cleaning should really just be called cleaning but it sounds so much more normal putting “fall” in front of it!)

To fix the rest of the weariness I know exactly what I need to do. I need to seek complete rest in Him. He wants me to. He practically begs it of me.

Being overwhelmed can lead to all sorts of things that we really do not need in our lives. It can lead to fear, worry, un-rest, doubt, etc.

A friend shared this verse with yesterday, "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. " ~Psalm 61:1

I know God has His hand in every little detail of my life. He has allowed those cards to be dealt to me. Giving Him my worries, fears, doubts, and struggles are the only way that I will be able to overcome them. To be honest at times fear is the one thing that holds me from releasing it all to Him?! Fear that I won’t have a say in the outcome.

It’s silly to ever doubt in Him. He wrote the story of my life. He knows every time I cry, I get angry, I get hurt, I feel lonely, I feel like I am not a good mom, wife or friend. He knows it all and He wants it all on His shoulders, He doesn’t want it on mine. He already took care of it all, so I just need to release it, let it go and find the Joy that only He can give.

One of my all time favorite quotes is from a book called Naked Fruit by Elisa Morgan and she says…

“Joy is confidence in God’s grace, despite circumstance—despite what happens. Joy is the ability to hold up because we know we are being held up. Joy is the conviction that God is in control of every detail of our lives even when those details appear to be out of control.”

Running on low grade fuel? Fill up with Him!

Some scripture for reflection…feel free to read before and after the verses listed to fully understand the context.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
~ James 1:2-5

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?”
~ Matthew 6:27

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.”
~Psalm 62:1

“They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse. Selah. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.”
~Psalm 62:4-6

Failed

I make plans for myself and my family. Sometimes those plans are verbalized. Often they are unwritten subtleties, unconscious expectations.

These are my enemies-these silent objectives.

They taunt me when unmet. They use names like unworthy and inadequate. On occasion they whip out the really powerful adjectives to titles I already claim: bad mother, loser wife.

Unspoken goals have powerful voices.

All too often I agree. I add my own label: failure. I claim that name for myself, worrying that my husband is disappointed and angry and that my children are being scarred beyond recognition. I carry that weight with me day in and day out till I can no longer stand under the burden.

I cry.

I seek out my husband asking if I am the failure I believe I am. I don't believe his answer.
I ask if he is disappointed in me, angry with my performance. I don't believe his answer.
I question my mothering listing all the times I could have done things differently. I don't believe his answer.

I pray that this burden be lifted, that I be forgiven for being less that everything, that I be made a wife and a mother worthy of these dear ones in my family. And I read:

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves,
but our adequacy comes from God.
2 Corinthians 3:5

And He speaks.

And I rest assured that in spite of my shortcomings, in spite of my weaknesses, in spite of my inadequacy, He will care for my family. For He loves them more than I ever could. He created them just as He created me. He knows that we together are but dust. In His love for all of us--husband, wife, children--He will make me adequate for this call to motherhood.

Today

I realize how behind I am.

And today, I don't want to be a mom anymore.

Can anyone relate?

Issues

Abigail is turning three. She was a two-year old delight, most of the time. But the last month or so hints at looming meltdowns, control issues, and other power-grabbing tactics. Add to that the baby coming in a few months and I am not holding my breath on the potential for a good year three.

In an effort to arm myself to the teeth, and to win the most recent battle, I appeal to your collective wisdom.

We have completed the potty training, I think. Days without soiled underwear are promising. I just should have waited till now. No more relenting under pressure from grandmothers, now I have friends!

Alright, that was just a distracted side note. We are having serious bedtime issues!

We follow a bedtime routine--watch a video, wash and brush, pjs, discuss what we are thankful for, read a Bible story, pray, sing two songs (one per parent), bed. This used to work.

Then she started crawling out of her bed to play. We set the timer. When it goes off, she must stay in her bed. This worked for a couple of weeks. Twice she fell asleep on the floor before the timer went off.

Now she cries. Well, it is more like howling. Chris calls it the birthing of a cow. For a really long time. Like hours. Until we go to bed. Do you know how hard it is to watch Amazing Grace when your child is bellowing as if being stuck with sharp sticks. We are well into our second week of this.

• We have prayed and told the monsters to leave.
• We have brought fresh water.
• We have taken her to the bathroom multiple times.
• We have sat on her bed with her.
• We have tried to reason.
  
• We have threatened turning out all the lights. (I actually did this and she ran screaming from the room.)
• Last night we threatened a spanking. She kept crying, but at a more ignorable pitch and volume. She fell asleep in her closet. No, we didn't put her there.

Tonight is coming quickly. I hope you all are reading and you have insight. Help, please!

Best Laid Plans

The golden egg was passed. I made the announcement. Pregnant. Due date: April 11th. A prior C-section means a scheduled C-section a week ahead of time. Actual date: somewhere around the first of April. I hope my mom has her spring break then.

Chris and I were weeks away from having an approved home study when I found out I was pregnant. Our profile was done, waiting for the signature of the supervisor of our case worker. We were going to adopt and our list of restrictions was small. I thought we would be matched and have a baby before MOPS started this year.

We don't have successful pregnancies. In fact we have only a 25% success rate. So I waited in fear for seventeen weeks to officially become inactive in the adoption process. Today, I wrote the email. I attached the letter. And with the fear I thought I had overcome, I sent the message. My heart convinced that upon clicking the "send" button the baby growing in my womb would be no more. I want to run to the doctor, hear the heartbeat, be reassured, but with no symptoms other than fear and that darn send button, I will not give in.

And tiny nudges from a body yet unseen growing strong and drawing close call me to the assurance of faith. That a God who sends me in a different direction will prove Himself faithful, gracious, and kind.

EBay Days

That is what I call them. Those days when my child seems to know where my buttons are and takes great joy in jumping on said button all day long.

Would I ever do it? Not on your life!

She is mine--button jumping and all--and I would fight to the death to keep her. But it is also nice to have some kind of expression for the days when nothing seems to go right in mothering. Saying it out loud gives voice to my very real feelings of being at the end, and something in those words works its way to God's ears and somehow, someway diffuses the situation with some humor and always an encouraged heart.

What about you? What is your expression? And how does it work?